THE SEX STARVED MARRIAGE PDF
The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis - It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched . The Sex-Starved Marriage- Michele Weiner-Davis. This speech describes the most common pattern with regards to a sexual desire discrepancy in relationships. women whose husbands do lose interest, the women married to men who get the headaches. And it's also issue in her book, The Sex Starved Wife. “Because.
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Online PDF The Sex Starved Marriage, Download PDF The Sex Starved Marriage, Full PDF The Sex Starved Marriage, All Ebook The Sex Starved Marriage. It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. Do you? If you want to stop fighting. Issuu is a digital publishing platform that makes it simple to publish magazines, catalogs, newspapers, books, and more online. Easily share.
I felt like I had two babies, not one. It just seemed like he was jealous of our child, and I found that unfathomable.
I never thought the man I married would be so selfish. After a day of taking care of our son's physical needs, the last thing I felt like doing was having one more person's needs to think about. I needed to think about me. He focused on himself, his work, and his friends. And the more he distanced himself, the less inclined Debra felt to touch or kiss Tom, let alone have sex with him. Finally their incessant blaming, their lack of empathy for each other's feelings, and their cold, inflexible body language that permeated our sessions made complete sense.
Their marriage had become sex starved. If you're asking yourself, "Now what does that mean? After all, the phrase, sex starved typically refers to a person, not a relationship.
The Sex-Starved Wife
Sex-starved people are generally thought of in one of two ways: they're either so highly sexed that sexual satisfaction is a moving target, or they're people who, for a variety of reasons, haven't had sex in a such a long time that they're obsessed with it. But a sex-starved marriage is different.
Contrary to what you might be thinking, saying that a marriage is sex starved tells you virtually nothing about how much or how little sex a couple is actually having. It's not about numbers. It's not just about sex-less couples who have slept in separate bedrooms for years.
In fact, it includes couples who, according to national surveys, have an "average" amount of sex each month. Since, unlike vitamins, there are no recommended daily requirements to ensure a healthy sex life, a sex-starved marriage is more about the fallout that occurs when one spouse is deeply unhappy with his or her sexual relationship and this unhappiness is ignored, minimized, or dismissed.
The resulting disintegration of the relationship encapsulates the real meaning of a sex-starved marriage. Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy, and a sense of partnership. It defines their relationship as different from all others.
Sex is a powerful tie that binds. As with Debra and Tom, when one spouse isn't interested in sex, the touching, kissing, and other forms of physical affection and intimacy often cease as well. Spouses distance from each other emotionally.
They carry on their lives together in much the same way that two toddlers might engage in parallel play -- involved in similar activities in close proximity but without meaningful connection. Marriage becomes mechanical. Friendship often evaporates.
Anger bubbles just below the surface. Misunderstandings abound. Emotional "divorce" becomes inevitable. More highly sexed partners such as Tom feel confused and cheated by their spouses' lack of interest in their sex lives and try to figure out what's at the root of their partners' rejections. Unfortunately, they often assume the worst: "My wife isn't attracted to me," or "He must be having an affair," or "The kids' needs are more important than mine. They start doubting themselves and their abilities to satisfy their spouses.
See a Problem?
They often feel deeply depressed about the void in their marriages. When they try to explain these feelings to their partners, their explanations are often flatly dismissed. What's the big deal? It's much more than mere physical pleasure. It's connection, intimacy, closeness, and affection.
It's about feeling attractive, feeling masculine or feminine, and feeling whole as a person. It's about being in love. It's about a feeling of oneness. But since people with low sexual desire aren't hungering for a sexual connection, they're not overly empathetic to their spouses' feelings and do little to make significant changes in their relationships.
Eventually, feelings of rejection become increasingly difficult to manage. Sadness turns to anger. Those yearning for more physical closeness vacillate between being distant and unpleasant.
And although these behaviors are merely symptoms of underlying hurt, people with low sexual desire don't perceive their spouses' behavior quite so benevolently. Empathy is in short supply. Arguments about sex, or the lack of it, become the norm. Blame-slinging disagreements add to the already icy distance between spouses. Then, like a runaway train, it's not long before their bitterness and animosity collide head-on with every other aspect of their relationship.
Nothing seems right anymore. Does any of this sound familiar to you? Have you felt starved for a better sexual relationship with your spouse? Are you desperately yearning to be touched, held, fondled, and caressed? Have your pleas for closeness and more sexual connection fallen on deaf ears? Do you tell yourself that your spouse will never understand your sexual needs? Do you sometimes feel defeated -- times when you've considered divorce or satisfying your needs for sexuality and intimacy outside your marriage?
Or on the other hand Are you someone whose sexual desire has plummeted out of sight? Do you feel mystified by your apparent disinterest in sex? Are you frustrated and angry about the never-ending arguments with your spouse? Have disappointment and hurt between you made intimacy an even less likely prospect?
Or do you find yourself wishing that this whole "sex thing" would stop ruining your otherwise decent marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I implore you to keep reading because your marriage is at risk.
Unsatisfying sexual relationships are the all-too-frequent causes of alienation, infidelity and divorce. Given our sobering divorce rate -- one out of every two marriages dies -- you cannot afford to be complaisant about the wedge between you and your spouse.
You need to address this very important aspect of your relationship, and you need to do it now. Why should I put energy into our sexual relationship if I don't really desire sex? Let's talk turkey. I've been a marriage therapist for a very long time, and I can tell you without hesitation that if you continue to look at the differences in your levels of sexual desire as your spouse's problem rather than as a couple's problem, you are courting disaster.
Late nights at the office with a seductive coworker, an attentive ear, and effusive ego-building compliments may be just the kindling your spouse needs to start a fiery sexual relationship with someone other than you. Infidelity is not something you want to experience.
The Sex-Starved Marriage Solutions Manual
Having an unfaithful spouse is right up there on the short list of life's worst experiences. It's incredibly painful. Couples in my practice often tell me that healing from infidelity is one of the most challenging feats they've ever accomplished. I tell you this not to scare you or make you feel threatened. I'm on your side.
I want you to be fully informed about what your spouse might be feeling or thinking so that you can prevent unnecessary heartache. I also urge you to consider the unfairness of the tacit agreement you have had with your spouse so clearly pointed out in Dr.
It goes something like this: "I know you're sexually unhappy. Although I don't plan on doing anything about it, I still expect you to remain faithful.
Besides averting infidelity, there are other reasons you should consider making sexuality a more important aspect of your life. If you're like many people who are lukewarm toward or even turned off to sex, relationship issues might be a big part of what's standing in the way of your wanting to be close physically.
For you, emotional disconnection to your spouse is a real libido buster. If so, you need to know that once you start paying more attention to your sexual relationship, your spouse will become a happier person. And what does that have to do with feeling closer to your spouse emotionally?
Happy people are more enjoyable to be around. They're nicer, more thoughtful, kinder, more loving, affectionate, and more communicative. It's a simple law of human nature. You will see it in his or her eyes. You'll start getting love notes and witness random acts of kindness.
Your spouse will begin to open up and be decidedly more interested in you as a person. He'll stop what he's doing to hear about something you find interesting on television.
She will notice your strengths rather than criticize. He will agree to go shopping with you to the mall. She'll give her blessings to that boys' night out for which you've been hankering. In short, a miracle will happen. It will take you back to the times in your relationship when everything was clicking. Besides feeling closer to your spouse, there is another major perk to becoming more sexual, even if you aren't completely in the mood.
You might discover something totally unexpected: your sexual appetite hasn't really vanished, it was merely camouflaged! Although I will explain this in greater detail in the next chapter, you need to know about some exciting new research.
Until now, many experts in the field of human sexuality assumed that all people experience sexual desire in a similar way: something triggers a sexy thought, which triggers an urge to act -- to become sexual with your partner or engage in self-pleasure.
Sexual stimulation then makes you feel aroused. But some experts are beginning to question this one-size-fits-all perspective on sexual desire. They've noticed that for some people, sexual desire -- the urge to become sexual -- doesn't precede feeling aroused; it actually follows it.
In other words, some people rarely or never find themselves fantasizing about sex or feeling sexual urges, but when they're open to becoming sexual with their spouses anyway, they often find the sexual stimulation pleasurable, and they become aroused.
Once aroused, there is a desire to continue. And that's every bit as much "sexual desire" as the more traditional view of things Basson, If as you're reading this you're thinking, "Yeah, that's me," you may be one of those people whose interest in sex doesn't kick in until you've been physically stimulated, and your body, rather than your mind, tells you it's time.
Your desire to be sexual only happens once the right physical buttons have been pushed. I am extremely excited by this new view of things because it describes to a tee what I've been observing in my practice for years. I really enjoyed it. At first, many were understandably cautious about my Nike-style approach to their sex life; the "Just Do It" advice ran counter to everything they had believed about how sexual desire unfolds.
But I persisted, and I'm glad I did, because the results spoke for themselves. I could often see the relief on people's faces when they learned that their lack of out-of-the-blue sexual urges didn't necessarily signify a problem. It didn't mean there was something wrong with them or that something was missing from their marriages. It just meant that they experienced desire differently. Second, when those who do not experience spontaneous lust really took to heart the idea that they weren't flawed, desireless, or sexually apathetic people, their self-concept shifted considerably.
But perhaps you're thinking, "Just do it? That sounds way too simple to me," or "Even if I get going, nothing happens," or "I just don't have orgasms anymore, and that's why sex holds no interest for me.
Your reasons for feeling disinterested might be considerably more complicated than that. A healthy sex drive is dependent on a number of complex and often interacting factors. Many things -- fluctuating hormones, medication even birth control pills! In Chapter 2, I identify the main contributing factors to low sexual desire to help you understand your feelings better.
Having said that, I want to caution you about something. Knowing why you're not so interested in sex won't boost your desire one bit. Doing something about it will. I know many people who become experts on why they've been avoiding physical contact with their spouses while their sex lives continue to go down the tubes. So though it's extremely important for you to identify the potential causes of your lack of desire, it's even more important that you commit to doing something with the information you uncover.
As unromantic as it might sound, even for your more highly sexed spouse, once the intense infatuation characteristic of early relationships wears off and it always does , desire is really a decision. You have to decide to make having a vibrant, exciting, emotionally satisfying sexual relationship a priority.
You have to continually discover and rediscover new ways to keep your sexual energy alive. You must consciously work at understanding and keeping up with the changes in your body, your marriage, and the day-to-day demands of your life so that you can keep on reinventing your intimate relationship when it grows stale.
It doesn't just happen. You have to make it happen. With that in mind, you should congratulate yourself right now.
There are millions of people in your shoes who are too busy sweeping things under the carpet to acknowledge there's a problem, or simply don't care about their passionless marriages to be reading this book.
Instead, they'd be focusing on their spouse's angry behavior and feeling justified for being abstinent for the rest of their lives. You're way ahead of the game. Good for you! Perhaps you're ready to take your marriage to a better, more loving place. Perhaps you're starting to wonder whether your little inner voice -- the one that whispers, "I'm just not a sexual person" -- may be completely off base.
Although you feel somewhat certain that you may never be someone who swings from chandeliers or thinks that sex is the most important thing in the world, you're starting to question whether a satisfying sex life is still within your reach.
It is. You just have to believe it is and then take steps to make it happen. I will show you the way. You've been frustrated by the fact that a great deal of the information available about low sexual desire is geared toward your spouse. And perhaps you've pondered the irony in the fact that the preponderance of help for low sexual desire is aimed at people who may not even see it as a problem.
That's like writing books for people who are overweight or depressed but feel perfectly content with the way they are. What's the use in valuable information if the people who could benefit from it don't think they need it? That might explain why the piles of books or articles that you've given your spouse on the topic of low sexual desire have become nothing more than an impressive collection of dust collectors.
If your spouse hasn't been very receptive to the idea of improving your sex life, you probably have been feeling frustrated and powerless. You shudder at the thought that your spouse has been calling all the shots when it comes to lovemaking. But the truth is, more than anything else, you have been feeling rejected, hurt, and alone. And now, as you read this book, my guess is that you probably feel comforted that someone is putting your feelings into words. However, just when you start to think, "See, I told you so!
I'm right about our sex life," you shouldn't get smug. Do yourself a favor, and don't indulge in this sort of self-righteous reflection. Not only is it sorely shortsighted, it's just plain wrong. Even if your spouse's lack of interest in sex stems from personal or physiological causes, you're still not exempt from examining your role in your less-than-satisfying marriage. As someone who specializes in working with couples, I can tell you that problems in marriage are almost always due to the ways in which both spouses handle challenging situations.
When it comes to your sexual differences, if you have been feeling hurt or rejected, I can safely predict that your approach to your desire gap has been less than sterling. John was a laid-back guy, who rarely complained about anything.
If we miss one Friday night, I know not to ask until next Friday night. Does she love me anymore? Am I not in the mood? It immediately helps the higher-desire spouse feel that I just spoke their story, and it opens a chance to connect with the lower-desire spouse. So I explain that the conventional way of thinking about the human sexual response cycle is that first comes desire, which is followed by the stage of being physical. They have to be sexually aroused before their brains register that they have desire.
But once I got into it, I really enjoyed myself. I had an orgasm, and we got along so much better afterward. Each person is waiting for the other to make the first move. A major part of how I try to jump-start things in these couples is to encourage them to adopt the Nike philosophy—Just Do It!
Real giving is when you give to your partner the things your partner wants and needs. Whether you understand it completely or not, whether you like it or not, whether you agree with it or not, is completely irrelevant.
According to Chapman, there are five of them. The first one is spending time together.A perfect match between partners is very unlikely. Sleep, not sex, was the only thing Debra found herself craving.
However, just when you start to think, "See, I told you so! After all, she's almost supposed to have "headaches. That might explain why the piles of books or articles that you've given your spouse on the topic of low sexual desire have become nothing more than an impressive collection of dust collectors.
If you're the low-desire spouse, you'll learn about the physiological and psychological factors, including unresolved relationship issues, that may contribute to the chill in your bedroom. Your spouse isn't trying to hurt you on purpose.
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They often snuggled on the couch while watching television, held hands when they walked, and kissed each other affectionately. Oh well. Blame-slinging disagreements add to the already icy distance between spouses.
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